You made me cry and you don't even care
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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