The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
