Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
