Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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