Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
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I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
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Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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