We got so high we made milksteak
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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