i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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