Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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