you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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