I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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