he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
