shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
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He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
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The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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