Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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