watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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