Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
