She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
