Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
