summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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