my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
