textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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