When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
