trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
