i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Randomize
