my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
