Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
