listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
27 People Confess The Worst Jobs They’ve Ever Had
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
25 People Confess Their Terrifying Stalker Stories
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?