Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.