This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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