i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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