It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
