He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Randomize
