You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
