you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
