Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
