I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
