I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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