this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
