She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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