Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
