If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
