My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
