Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
