I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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