I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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