My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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