I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Randomize
