what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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