I can't breathe out the right side of my face
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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