wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
