and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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