I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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