Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
