Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
