at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize