I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
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