I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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